Friday, September 25, 2009

The Complications of Liking Satanist Dan

I'm actually starting to feel mildly girlfriend-y with Boy 2, enough that I'm getting a slight twinge of -something- sending this. I think I may have actually chosen to not send another message on account of it. This requires a bit of thought: is it because I don't want to keep looking, or is it just because I'm still caught up in the monogamous mindset enough to feel guilt over things I don't think are wrong?

Or is it just that the message I didn't send was to someone who mentions hanging out at Deadwood, which, as the bar Boy 2 is most often at, might be awkward?

I do still want to see Boy 3 again (although thankfully boy 2 has helped dampen the crazy), and I don't feel so weird about that. Maybe it's the difference between having someone else and looking for someone else. The latter sort of implies a dissatisfaction with what I have. And I'm happy. I like Boy 2. I'm looking forward to seeing him again, and I think there's a good chance that it isn't just infatuation or sex. Although we'll have to wait a few weeks to verify a lack of infatuation.

But meeting new people is exciting. Being flirted with is exciting. Having possibilities, even if they never work out, is exciting.

And the letter writing has become such a habit that I'm not even sure that writing these letters and looking for a date are the same thing at all.

And yet, that twinge. It says "Boy 2 may know that, in theory, we have no exclusive commitment, but that's not the same as knowing that, in practice, I send out letters every day. Is it something that seems like I shouldn't talk about to him because it's just polite to keep them separated, or because I'm hiding something from him?"

The voice also says "you like the boyfriend-y things he does and if you take those things while sending these letters you are being duplicitous and taking advantage which is hardly a nice thing to do to someone you like."

I suppose the answer, like usual, is communication. We've been going on assumptions, and I don't really know what his assumptions are.

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