Girly stuff, continued (slightly edited excerpts from emails):
from July 12, 3:43pm
I hate this part. I'm going into crazy stalker mode, which sometimes just means looking up all the photos I can find on facebook, but this time means keeping a list in my head of reasons to think he actually liked me or if I was just there & available.
And the thing is, I know that none of this matters. I KNOW that. I'm not trying to actually be his girlfriend. But I'm crushing hard and I just want to think he liked me. Well, I want to think he liked me, and I want to kiss him again before I leave. That's all. I'm thinking I don't get either, though.
Don't think I don't get the irony of wishing someone would call. I get it.
...and it's weird having my crazy mad crush on fenna's friend -- I don't want her to know I'm obsessing like this, maybe because she knows him so he's a real person and not just a story? Or because it's looking like I'm the only one who wants to see him again, and she knows it, and the more I show how much I want to, the more pathetic I look?
I'm just trying to wait it out. I still feel like a teenager; I feel like nothing else matters. The world is ending! But I know that I've felt this before. It will pass. A week, maybe two, and he'll be a fond memory in the story of How I Spent My Summer Vacation.
from July 13, 8:26am
he likes me! He is my weekend boyfriend! Yaaay!
I find that I am being surprisingly rational about the temporary nature of this. He has a date on Tuesday and not only am I not jealous in the slightest, I am totally rooting for him. Yay for learning things about myself.
Also, had been totally worried that I was annoying trendy bisexual girl who isn't really, since the thing with B went so badly, but kissing Fenna was hott and I liked it so I'm not worried anymore.
Hooray for learning things about myself. Gotta go get dressed & go to St. Augustine!
from July 14, 8:44am
really, really, hoping that I'm doing the right thing here
the crush is wearing off -- I do like him, but it doesn't go very deep, and I'm terribly afraid that he might like me more than he should
and I feel so conceited -- like worrying about that just means that I think too highly of myself -- but that's gotten me in trouble before. I think "oh it won't go anywhere, so there won't be any consequences," but then I'm wrong. I know that I'm not going to be hurt, and I just hope that I'm not hurting him.
Can I just say, though, that I am a little proud of myself for keeping my clothes on? I'm not saying it wasn't dirty, and it did go further than I'd planned. But not so much that I felt bad about it later. Poor boy. I am SUCH a tease. But dammit, he knew that from the start.
p.s. really must ask him if he has any requests for what does and doesn't get blogged & what filters he wants. Seems polite.
Bought my bus ticket. Futzing around online. Fenna will be back soon.
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