Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Even when I start talking about other things it always turns into Alistair.

Reasons I might not be feeling it right now:

1.  First meeting is usually kind of meh
2.  What I want, more than a friend, is someone who will flirt with me
3.  What I want is the possibility that this is what I'm looking for
4.  Everything is feeling kind of meh
5.  I'm just not that into him

If it's 1 or 4, then I should give it another go.  If it's 3, or 5, there's nothing to be done.  If it's 2, then it might happen once the making out happens.  I'm remembering that I was pretty meh on Cassidy after we met the first time, but between our first meeting and our second, he'd already won me over again. 

We are having... a perfectly fine conversation.  We message a few times a day.  Sometimes there is squee.  But I think that the squee is mostly from "I have a message," and not "I can't believe he said this awesome thing."  And, yeah, the idea of sexytimes is appealing enough to be a big factor in my reactions to things.  Except right now, even that just sounds... meh.  Which is kind of how I feel about everything right now.  Except Alistair.

And I feel like I shouldn't make any decisions from this emotional space, because right now, nothing sounds very good, and that's not necessarily because everything is bad.

Except Alistair.  Because an obsessive crush on a video game character is totally healthy, I'm sure.  And it's a good enough excuse to look up gifs.

It's funny, how much I like looking up screenshots of Alistair.  It's not like looking up photos of Carmen from The L Word.  I have no physical attraction to the images.  But I like him as a character, and I can imagine him as a person, and the images remind me of the things the character has said that I find endearing.

And every time I talk about this I have a running commentary in the back of my head saying, OMG this is basement-troll-level pathetic, this sad crush on someone who doesn't exist, this is like every bad stereotype of geek boys who can't talk to real girls so they oogle Laura Croft instead, except it's worse because I'm not getting my rocks off, I've got these gooey romantic girlfeelings.  I can unpack all the problematic parts of that commentary, but I can't stop judging myself based on it.

I'm in such a bad mood.  Really.  This has got to stop.

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