Monday, December 3, 2012

Green Flags

... and then Captain Awkward goes and posts something like this, because Captain Awkward is strangely prescient. She says,

What you have now sounds pretty happy from where I’m sitting. Key phrases in your letter that have me counting green flags:
  • Recently started dating…”  = It takes time to work a new person, even an awesome new person, into a busy schedule. Give it some time!
  • “Totally on the same page about priorities…”  = You can feel comfortable and secure that this is a going concern. That’s huge! So often people who have just started dating end up taking the temperature of the relationship all the time because they don’t know or can’t tell whether they are both equally invested.
  • One date night every week…”  = Even with your busy schedules, you’ve found one night/week to be together, and you communicate regularly by text. That’s not nothing!
So, yeah.  We are new at this.  But we are comfortable in each others' affections and priorities.  We DO make time, and we communicate regularly. It's OKAY if dates mostly consist of food and sex.  This is normal and healthy.  Green flags:

1. He is honest and up-front, even when it's difficult, even when it's potentially bad for him.  This really needs to be numbers 1-10 on the list.  It's HUGE. 

2. No pressure.  If he wants something, he asks for it, using his words, and respects my decision.  And not just in a "I respect your decision but I'll complain a lot about it and hope you'll change your mind" kind of way.  He asks, and then that's it.  I'm the one who needs to work on this.  (See previous post.)  He's got it down.

3. He uses his words.  Even when something might just be assumed, he asks anyway.  He is always appreciative when I do the same. 

4.  He obviously makes me a priority, but within reason.  I am not his only priority.  He doesn't offer to change his life for me, or blow off responsibilities for me.  Someone who makes bad decisions for me is going to keep making bad decisions, and not always in my favor. 

5.  We don't always have enough to say to have a conversation every night.  Sometimes when he calls before bed we just have a "Hey, I miss you.  See you later."  But, not every night.  We manage to talk beyond what we did each day, and I laugh, for reals, and not just to acknowledge that I understood something to be funny.  I'm never bored when he's talking.  I'm never annoyed at him for going on about something I don't care about.  And I know that I'm not particularly good at separating PANTSFEELINGS from FRIENDFEELINGS, but I know what FRIEND FAIL looks like and this isn't it. 

This is new, and we've only seen each other with our good faces on.  We haven't had time to get annoyed at each other, or deal with serious disagreements.  There are many tests we have not yet passed.  I will worry about them when they come, and not before.

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