Tuesday, November 6, 2012


There are these guys who write in to Captain Awkward, or leave comments on feminist blogs, saying, essentially, I treat women with respect and do not engage in X, Y, or Z problematic behaviors, so why can't I get a date?  And the answer usually contains something like this:

Why, yes, I *have* used this image before.  That's because I LOVE IT.

The point is that "not a dickhead" is rather faint praise.

And so, I'm trying to not get all WOAH up in here about all the shit that Red Flag Guy doesn't get wrong.  But, the sad thing is, it feels all WOAH up in here, because it's such a relief.

He gets that boundaries can seem arbitrary and capricious, and that doesn't make them any less important.  That I might have just done something that now I'm not comfortable with, and that's how it goes sometimes.  That there are different kinds of ways to want something. 

He's aware of his own problems, physical and emotional, and lets me decide how I want to respond to them.  And he's completely willing to find ways to work around them.  He asks me questions and listens to the answers, instead of looking for ways to convince me otherwise.

Yes, we are infatuated with each other.  We are star-struck and dreamy-eyed.  But we've both been here before, and I don't have to tell him what the limitations are.  He already knows. 

ETA: It's that he's actually a grownup.  Not just someone grown.  And I've never really been in a grownup relationship before.  I tried, with Mike, but I was still putting myself together.  And then, after Mike, I didn't even want to try.  So this is all very new to me.  And I love it.

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