Not Shoes

1. This is an utterly beautiful personal essay about class.

2. I want to make a gesture.  You know, the gift-giving kind.  Except gift-buying, obviously, is out.  If I start from the premise, "What should I buy someone?" then what I get is "AAAAAAHHH!"  Really, what I want is the gesture.  The "Hey hey I like you" part. 

3. I keep thinking about that Facebook post.  I wonder, what would it take for it to not be a joke?  Legless Crack Whore Beats Rich White Child to Death?  Rich White Lady Beats Child to Death?  Legless Crack Head (male) Beats Homeless Vet to Death?  How much depends on the nature of the perpetrator, how much on the victim? 

Notes for new shoes

I needed to save links so I can find everything again...

Okay.  If I compete as a follow, which I may do, I need a pair of latin ballroom shoes in gold satin.  I can buy through the club from Showtime Dance Shoes, which gives me a 20% University Club discount, or I can buy through Dance New York, which I've done before.

The advantage of DNY is that those shoes can be customized, both in heel and width.  Since what seems to fit best is if I start with a 6.5 extra wide and then stretch it, customized is a good thing.  Also, while I think that the standard woman's heel is not as hard to wear as I'd previously thought, I'd still rather wear a thick heel if I can.

The advantage of Showtime is THIS SHOE.  

1534 - Ladies' Closed Toe

It's so pretty!  It's strappy looking AND close toed, and I LOVE it.  But, can I dance in it?  If I get it big enough that the bottom is as wide as my feet, will it be so big that I have half an inch of air between me and the back of the heel?  And will I wobble and fall in those bitty heels?

It's a $120 risk.  That's a lot.

When I could order this from DNY, which would come in a wide size, and a cuban heel.

Design 6033 (Classic) with 156 Beige Satin and 2" thick Cuban heel

It's not as pretty, and it's open-toed, although just a peek so you might not see any actual toe. 

It is the safer choice.  I don't know what it costs, although my glitter ones were $120 including custom heel, width, and fabric, so I don't think these will be much more.


ETA: Capezio also has this:

Capezio Alicia with 2" heel

It's a "peach" instead of a gold, but I think what the club wants is semi flesh-toned, something to look like the leg is longer and more extended, rather than cutting off the line at the shoe.  I think they'd be okay with it.  I can get it in wide, so the question is, can I dance in that heel.  (Price is $110, so comparable.)

ETA2: The more I think about it, the more I think that I'm better off with a heel that matches the rest of my dance shoes.  So that what I learn on one shoe translates to the other shoes, and what I wear to play is the same as what I wear to compete.  So I need to get them from DNY because I need the heel.

...and I just found the shoes I love (at top) on the DNY shoe page... under "Smooth."  Which means I can't wear them anyway.  Because shoes designed for smooth dances have something in the sole to keep it from bending, and that bend is necessary for latin.

6829 in Brown Satin.  Ask Susie if they will bend right for latin, if I can order in wide sizes with Cuban heels.

They LOOK like Latin shoes.  I WANT them to be Latin shoes.  But they may not, indeed, be Latin shoes.  And I may not be able to get them customized.  But I will talk to DNY tonight and see what my options are.

ETA3: I need to remind myself that these are, essentially, work clothes.  They are uniforms.  And if they don't make me excited, well, I have shoes that do.  I can get more exciting shoes.  I can get those 6829s in electric blue satin and sparkle, if I want.  Well, not in the same month as I get the competition shoes, but some other time.  I could.

ETA4: Talked to Beth at DNY, and she said that I can order the shoe I like in a wide size with a Cuban heel, BUT I am not allowed to compete in Latin with a closed toe shoe.  Period.  She's going to confer with Suzie tomorrow to make sure, but chances are low.  Sigh.  Stupid rules.

This person

Every once and a while, I look at myself and think, when did I become this person?

I saw this on Facebook:

and I thought:

Is there actually any evidence of prostitution?  And if she is known, or more likely, accused, of prostitution, is that still a good reason to call her a whore?  Or is it just that a man who is addicted to crack is a crack addict, perhaps a crack head, but a woman is a whore?  That's fucked up and it pisses me off.  And that's not even going into the shameless "look how gross other people are" point of the headline.  This is heartbreaking and people are laughing.

And, for a moment, just a tiny one, I considered posting a shorter, tamer, version of that.  But I know what I'd get. 

Really, that's where you go? Can't you think about anything else? Do you have to turn everything into your agenda?

And the answer is, yes.  Yes I do.  And then I look at myself and think, wow.  I am that person. 

2am. Time to disengage.

On one hand, there's the whole you-can't-ever-win-an-argument-on-Facebook thing. On the other hand, I was the exact right (wrong?) combination of feisty, ornery, and tired.

But you know what?

Someone told me that she was impressed with my knowledge and vocabulary of trans issues.

That made my day. And it was a good day. There was competition. When it is tomorrow for reals, I'll tell you more.

Sleep Study Complaints

I was a little uncomfortable going in. I knew what the sleep study entailed, and there wasn't anything I couldn't handle, but there were a lot of things I would mind. Just a little. So, when the sleep study tech came in to get me started, I was in a mood to be judgy. I was cranky. She had an annoying voice and too much eyeliner.

But even good-mood-me would have been put off by the incessant failed attempts at conversation. She tried. She tried so hard! And she seemed to believe that failure meant try harder, rather than stop.

Did I have a long day? Was it an easy day? What do I do for a living? Oh, do you like photography? Do you like to take any particular kind of photograph? Are you left or right handed? You know, her four-year-old is really good at drawing and he's left handed, and she heard that left-handed people were more likely to be creative types because they use the right side of their brain. That's a funny shirt. You know, her son had chocolate pudding yesterday, the kind with the swirls. When she wants something sweet, she really likes chocolate pudding. Am I married or single? Do I have children? Does my family live near by? Her family lives in Dubuque, but she visits them on the weekends so her four-year-old can get to know his grandparents. Did I go to school at the University? What did I study? When did I graduate?  She's at Kirkwood getting her gen ed out of the way, which takes a really long time, because she works a lot and she's hoping to get into the psych program at the University.

And that's not the whole of it. There was more.

When I laid down in bed, she asked if I'd "like the blankie?"

I could have said, "That's a personal question."

I could have said, "I don't want to talk to you."

I could have said, "I am perfectly capable of pulling up a blanket, and would prefer that you not talk to me like I'm a child."

What I don't like is that my only two options were 1) unpleasant one-sided conversation, and 2) confrontation.  This is the same woman who woke me up three or five times in the night to readjust the wires around me, then woke me up at 5:30am to get them off. And talk some more. She had more questions. At 5:30am. Questions with no medical purpose. After a night spent trying to sleep in a position that I do not sleep in, lying there, unable to do what I need to do to fall asleep, she wanted to chat.

"I'll take it from here."

So this happened:

See the house that is not on fire?  That's on the corner of our street.

It was scary, and then it wasn't.  I've only ever seen a fire like that in movies or on the news.  But the firemen were there, and so everything was okay, and even if it wasn't, there wasn't anything I could do about it. 

I still see myself as a little kid, some times.  I don't think further than "call in the grownups."  Once someone with authority steps in, I'm out.  When a housemate asked, "Is there something we should do?" I shrugged and said, "What can we do?"  Wouldn't I just be in the way?

I don't really believe that I have any power in the world.  I always expect someone else to take responsibility.  And the problem is, I do have power, and I can do things.  And this thing I do, this waiting for someone else to pat me on the head and say, "thanks for bring this to my attention, I'll take it from here," it's the lazy way out.

What to say when I don't feel like saying

So, this is totally a conversation starter.  And I'm an introvert.  I don't always like talking to people.  So there will be many times in the future when someone asks me what my arm says and I will not feel like talking about it.

I am tempted to shrug and say, oh, it probably says 'pork bun,' which is a deliberate deception.  It allows people to think that I don't know what it means and I feel kind of bad about not knowing.  And it somehow feels like less of a lie than saying it means love and serenity or something.  Or maybe it's that if I'm going to present myself as a person who was misguided enough to get a tattoo that didn't mean anything, at least I'm presenting myself as someone who knows better now.  It makes me someone who made a mistake, but that's way better than being someone who blithely thinks it's a great idea.

I might be able to say something like, it's a long story.  Which isn't exactly an answer to the question they asked, but might deter further questions.  It means, if I tell you, I'll have to explain, and it's a long story that I don't feel like getting into.  Which is, actually, exactly right.  If it works.  We'll see.