Week 4, part 2: Shivering Isles

As of this morning, 209 pounds.  I didn't go to pub knit last night, partly because I just bought Oblivion for the Xbox and wanted to get to the Shivering Isles, and partly because I'd just gotten home from talking to the night classes in ABW and felt like it had already been a long day, but also partly because I thought I might make good choices about food if I went, but I knew I would make good choices about food if I stayed.  And I've been trying really hard to not think about this in terms of shame.  The world is full of shame enough for a million fat girls; I don't need to add any of my own.  But one more day of weight gain would feel like one more day of failure, and I couldn't stand the thought of it.

Week 4, part 1: Reckoning

8am, Monday.  212 pounds.  Gain this week, 3 pounds.  Total loss, 5 pounds.

I just want one thing to be right.  I want something to work.  I want to feel like there is something I am not failing at.

breathing again

Sometimes, it feels like a miracle.

Week 3, part 2: Classes begin

Things I probably shouldn't have done right before classes start:

1. Lose my phone.

2. Eat myself sick.

3. Run out of anti-depressants.

On the other hand, I am pleased to announce that I have saved the universe from evil robots.

Week 3, part 1: Another Reckoning

10:30 am, Monday. 209 pounds. Loss this week: 5 pounds. Total loss: 8 pounds.

This week I learned that when I am invited to a party with large quantities of really good food, eating a small meal directly beforehand so that I won't eat there doesn't necessarily work.
 
I'm not sure what the solution is.  Next time, don't let myself even have a few snacks?  It's easier to maintain an extreme position than a moderate one.  Next time, go late enough that people won't really be eating?  Sucks when the party revolves around watching a TV show together.  Maybe do like Emily does and bring my own special food so I have something to snack on while everyone is eating, but it's veggies & low-cal dipping sauce?  I can still eat too much of that, but at least it won't do as much damage as eating too much fajitas. 

On the other hand, I was also reminded that what goes on in a day can be taken off in two.  Real disasters take time.

Hearts

A list of things I like in heart tattoos:

bright colors
gradients in the heart
birds
flowers
curliques

Things I don't like in heart tattoos:

wings
crosses
flames
knives/arrows
cherubs
thorns/barbed wire

This is what I do when I should be plugging in the projector and making sure it works.

I heart things.

So, you know how I was saying that I built up "being fat" as the thing stopping me from all these things I want?  Here's one example.

I have a tattoo.  It looks like this:

I got it when I was 19, at Dragon Moon in Glen Burnie, Maryland.  It's part of this Escher print:

And, pretty much since I got the tattoo, I have been aware of how it could be better.  It's not that I don't like it, it's that I know how I'd like it more.  I wanted the tattoo to fade in and out of skin, rather than have such a distinct line between the filled-in water areas and my skin.  Sort of like this:

(Please excuse the sloppy Photoshop.  I think you get the idea.)

So, for the last 13 years, I've had this "some day I'll fix my tattoo" in my head.  But first there was the problem of having the cash and not having other things I wanted more.  And then,  once I started losing weight, my "someday tattoo" plans got mixed up with that, and it wasn't just "when I have the money," but "when I like my body."  Or "when I get thin."  It was one of the rewards I set up for myself for when I succeeded at my weight loss goals.  And any other tattoos I might want have to wait until I fix the one I have. 

And I was talking to my friend Fenna, who has many gorgeous tattoos, and is planning some more, and I was so very jealous.  Because I want more tattoos.  And I was explaining why I can't get more tattoos, because first I have to do this, and then this, and wait for this.  And I finally decided that I didn't want to follow the rules I made up because I felt like I should. 

So I'm getting a tattoo.  I am getting a new tattoo before I fix the old one.  I am getting a bright red heart with a banner and possibly flowers or birds on my left boob.  And I am leaving the banner blank so I can write in whatever I feel like heart-ing for the day.  And, yeah, it's a joke tattoo, which I would have told you was not a good idea.  But I've liked the idea for, oh, five or six years so far.  And I want it.  And I've decided that I can have it.