Thursday, May 30, 2013


I don't miss dancing.  I used to, but I can't feel it right now, I haven't for a while now, and I feel terrible about it.  I don't just mean that I miss the feeling of wanting to dance.  I actually feel like a bad person.

I liked that I liked dancing.  I liked what it said about me.  I liked being a person who liked dancing.  I especially liked that it contradicted the usual "fat and lazy" archetype, but I also liked all the other character traits that are associated with dance. 

I was okay with being unable to dance.  I mean, it was frustrating as hell and kind of frightening, but at least I was prevented by something out of my control, something I could blame.  I was still, at heart, a dancer, and could claim all the same character traits as someone who was actually dancing.

This is different.  I see photos on Facebook of activities I'm missing, and I'm not jealous.  I'm sitting at my desk, and I'm not anxiously waiting for when I can go and pedal a stationary bike to nowhere.  I used to have something inside that needed letting out, but it ran away and never came back. 

I know that I'm tired.  Really, seriously, emotionally, tired.  I had a long two weeks with stressful events, and my comfort zone : non comfort zone ratio has been really damn low.  I know.  But it feels like I'm forgetting anything else.  It feels as if I might wait too long and get too comfortable and just keep sitting forever.

I saw a wellness coach yesterday.  She confirmed my belief that I need to go talk to sports medicine.  I have an evaluation appointment next Thursday.  I am doing the right things but I feel like I'm running out of time.

1 comment:

Diatryma said...

The lines between 'at peace', 'complacent', and 'resting' are pretty hard to see sometimes.