Tuesday, January 12, 2010


I'm unhappy with myself because I spent all afternoon doing nothing, playing on the internet, watching tv, waiting for Dan to wake up again. I'm unhappy with myself because I feel like I wasted the day; I didn't get any work done and I didn't really get to spend time with Dan. I feel stupid for not realizing this would happen in the first place, and I feel stupid for taking so long to realize that I was wasting my time and not doing any of us any good, and I feel sad and pathetic because I was waiting around for the chance that he might wake up again soon and I didn't want to miss the chance. I feel like that girl who sits and waits by the phone, who won't go anywhere or do anything, because he might call. And I'm really stressed about jobs and I'm really stressed about school, I had two days left before everything starts and now I only have one day.

I am self-loathing again. I want to hurt myself again. And as bad as that feels, I feel even worse because I'm angry at myself, embarrassed and self-loathing for feeling this way. Positive feedback loop. I thought I was over this. I thought I was better. I was better. I was confident. I liked myself. I was so fucking proud of myself. And now I feel like I'm 15 again, 19 again, and I hate myself for it. I'm sitting on my bed sobbing loudly and talking to myself, an imaginary confession to Dan.

I cried, a little, before I left Dan's place. And I apologized, and I said I didn't want you to see me like this, and I mean it, but it's not the whole truth. I could have hid it if I had really wanted to. Part of me wants to let myself bawl and be held, but I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid that he won't like me as much once he sees how fucked up I am, how needy I am. I'm afraid that he will still like me. I'm afraid that if I trust him then that lets him in too close. I think I've been intentionally keeping him at a distance by not confiding in him, because if I do, and he stays, then that means there's something more to this than I'd like to admit.

And something more is dangerous, for so many reasons. If I start letting him give me emotional support, I might start depending on him for emotional support, and I have an infinite capacity for needing emotional support. The more it's offered, the more I take. There is no limit. I don't want to turn this relationship into one where he has to take care of me all the time. And even if that didn't happen, and I found a balance, it still leaves us too close. I am trying to not like him too much. I can't afford to like him too much, not when I'm doing my best to leave without him in six months.

And then I come home and get an email from a professor, giving me my assignment for the first day of class, and it's totally over my head and out of my league, which is what everything feels like these days, and I just want to give up.


Michael said...

This is disturbing to watch, but I'm not sure what advice to give. This is starting to look like a bad idea.

Angela said...

I'm more okay than I look. Fenna was asking me about finding coping mechanisms, and I said that this is my coping mechanism. Getting it out, putting it down, it's more than metaphorical. I really do feel relieved, to a certain extent, of the feelings when they are written down. The blog takes the burden.

I am neurotic. I will always worry. I used to worry because I was always finding reasons to doubt SDs interest in me, now I worry because I have reasons to doubt that the timing could work out, or worry that I'm going to like him too much, or I'll scare him away or I won't scare him away. This is just how I operate. I don't think it's cause for concern.

I think that the extent of my worry is really just a symptom of my general state of stress, unconfidence, worry, and fear. When I wasn't terrified of my life, I was much more confident, much less neurotic about boys. And there is no cure to the stress in my life except to keep going. The only cure is success.

On the bright side, I'm not worried anymore that he doesn't like me. Now I'm worried that he'll stop. That's an improvement of some sort, I think. :)

I think that our schedule issues are resolvable, they're just new and haven't been resolved yet. In the future, I won't come over unless he's already slept, like for reals, and woken up again. Or unless I can do there what I'd otherwise be doing. Or I'll accept that it's a short visit, come by, stay a bit, and leave as soon as he starts to drift. I don't think we'll make the same mistake again.

Unknown said...

Oh, metaworry. I get that a lot. It's not enough that I am in X mood or situation, it's also that this *always* happens, even though it's bad, it always will, et cetera. Do not want.

I'm glad that you're getting to okay.

Angela said...

Metaworry! lol That is totally it! I get upset because I'm upset.