Monday, January 11, 2010

Being Good, part 2

So I overreacted this morning. It doesn't matter why, because it's the same thing, really, that I do all the time. I am neurotic and insecure and overly sensitive. Anyway, my feelings were hurt, and this time I decided to tell SD how I felt, some sort of experiment in communication, actually telling him how I feel. And he was sweet, and said the right things. He was sorry, he had no intention of hurting my feelings. But the funny thing was, I told him I know that this is partially because I'm insecure, and that's my problem and I shouldn't take it out on you, and he said he was surprised to hear me say that I'm insecure. He said I don't seem insecure at all.

The thing is, he's not the only one who's been trying to be "good." I've been trying really hard to be good, which, for me, means not being the crazy, neurotic, insecure, needy, clingy, girlfriend that I think I easily could be. I try really hard to keep my problems as my problems, and not make them his. Apparently I've succeeded. He has no idea.

But what, really, have I succeeded at? I have pulled off the illusion that I am confident. I have fooled my boyfriend into thinking that I'm the person that I'd like to be, and I'm not sure that's a good thing.

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