the chart again

Fucking plateau. I keep dancing around 190. Hopefully new fixation = renewed willpower to get this thing started again. I am soooo close to 185, which is my first goal, and halfway to my final destination.

what ifs

To observe an event is to change it. When I write down my thoughts about an event, how much am I changing it? If I hadn't written something down, if I hadn't spent the time figuring out what the right words are, would I forget the event sooner? I thought of this blog as a way to organize myself, to reminisce and remind, but I think I'm also prolonging the event. My trip to Chicago isn't just the three days I spent there, it spans out on both sides, where I'm planning, or processing. The more I think about it, the bigger the event gets. I find myself fixating on Jeriah again (three posts in 24 hours), but if I hadn't written it down, would I have forgotten by now? Would I be over it already?

promises

So I took a mini-trip out to see a friend in Chicago. It was wonderful. It probably would have been wonderful even if I did nothing but go to sleep in a different place than I woke up in. The fact that the different place is a city, a proper city with trains and tall buildings, makes it worthwhile no matter what else. There was also a beach, of sorts, a city-beach with little waves to wade into, a friend I'd lost touch with, a museum I could photograph all year long, and the feeling of making my own private adventure.

This afternoon I was having dim sum in Chinatown, this evening I had pizza at Airliner, and by 3:33 am (making a wish), it almost seems like it never happened. Somehow once I come home it feels very quickly like I never left. I settle so easily into whatever I left; I forget what I was so excited about.

I need to make changes here. Going out will always be more exciting than staying home, but I can change what it means to stay home. I can clean the apartment. I can get work done.

home again

Funny how easily you become natural to me again, first after six years and now after ten -- I find it hard to remember boundaries, where my space is supposed to end and yours is supposed to begin, I have to remember that I’m not supposed to touch you this time around

and this time around I remember that we’ve done this twice before, and if there’s a reason that we keep becoming friends then there’s also a reason that we keep breaking up again

and I don’t want to be your girlfriend this time. Not even if it were easy, if there were no long distances or wives

I want you to be my pretend boyfriend

I want to stay in Chicago this summer and take the train downtown every day, photograph the museums, and then come back to your apartment and sit in front of the fan, knitting and watching you paint.

I’ve forgotten how much I like watching you paint.

I want to sit on the porch at night drinking with your friends. I want to touch you. I want you to kiss my hair. I want to lean against you on the train. I know I’d be trading one frustration for another: instead of not touching you and wishing I could, I would touch you and wish for more, but that’s a trade I’d be happy to make. It’s the kind of wishing I wish I had.

Tornado warning

at 8:15 pm, followed by rain, followed by the heat breaking, finally, after days of suffocation,

followed by thunderstorms, just out of reach, almost inaudible, flashing dull violet sky. I spent an hour lying in the wet grass, my feet chilled for the first time in months, the air misty but clear-smelling, slight breeze against my face. Fireflies against black grass.

As I type this, I've changed out of my wet shirt but not my skirt, and my toes are still muddy. The air conditioner is off. Last night I found what I didn't know I wanted. Tuesday morning I leave town.

What I Did This Morning

Instructions for Duct-Tape Custom Fit Dressmaker's Form:

1) put on good bra
2) put on sacrificial t-shirt
3) get good friends to cover you in several layers of duct tape (super hero colors optional)
4) cut up the back (making sure to cut through the bad t-shirt but not the good bra)
5) crawl out
6) re-tape the seam in back
7) stuff with polyfill, etc.
8) acquire mad project-runway style draping skills



So far I'm at step #6. I put some laundry inside to keep it standing upright for the photo, but it's still a bit saggy in weird places (sure the boobage sags, but my shoulders?). Making these makes it obvious why sewing shirts & dresses is so hard -- what a weird & awkward 3-D form to try to make 2-D materials into! I am resolving to make all tops from here on out from knit fabric. Stretchy fabric is my friend.

On an unrelated note, these are the things I was mulling in my head to write down earlier:

I always feel guilty running the air conditioner in my apartment, even when it's 90 degrees F and 90% humidity, but I feel no guilt seeking out air conditioned places to be. I also drive the wrong way out of my parking lot every time, but I get annoyed when other people do it.

I tried really hard to finish the gaudy Noro cardigan I was making before I started another project. But I failed. Have started spinning a light blue camel - silk blend to make a lacy tank top that I hopefully will finish (and like) in time to wear to my cousin's wedding. If that doesn't work, The Shawl is still back up plan.


this yarn


into this tank (but slightly longer, slightly more fitted, and slightly lighter material)

things and stuff

Stuff happened, I guess. Some of it, I don't have much to say about; some of it I don't have much I will say about it. It has been a learning experience. These are some of the things I have learned:

It's probably time to look for a new (i.e. different used) car.
Zoomba is fun.
Even $5 parking tickets add up and get you put on the tow list.
I have a much greater capacity to make people like me than previously understood.
I have a much greater capacity for selfishness than previously understood.
I miss excuses to look at Thomas Dekker.
Lambs wag their tails.
It is possible to ruin yarn during the wet-finishing process.
I like BFL.
I don't like multicolor pencil roving.
Teal-colored hair dye, when mixed with purple-colored hair dye, makes indigo-colored hair.