197.8

Good to know :)

Bad dreams

In the dream, I screw up. No one told me. I was sick that day. It wasn't my fault.

But no one listens. And someone is disappointed in me.

It always goes like this. The events change, as do the people. But the disappointment is always the same. I always wake up crying.

198 pounds

I spent all of Monday evening worrying that I might lose him.  I spent all of Tuesday waiting to see him.  And it was good.  The talking and the cuddling and the touching and the sex.  And then it comes back.  The feeling of wrongness, settling in like fog.

It is a vague and unsettling feeling.  It resists definition.  I try to poke at it, understand it, but there is nothing there.  I don't know what I mean by wrong.  I don't know why.  And so I ignore it, or try to.  I label it Future Problem, the kind that is Not To Be Borrowed. 

Instead I tell him I need more me time.  I probably don't say it well.  He worries.  Is he being too clingy?  Is there something wrong?  What do I mean and why?  And as much as I like that his response is so much like what mine would be—I get it, I do—I worry that he has too much at stake.  But I don't say so.  Not yet.  We made definite plans for Friday, and tentative plans for Thursday. 

scans I guess

I need a new start.

Iowa State Fair 2012

199.6

At 5:00 last night, I was worried that he might perhaps decide to google me again, or that he had already, and that would be a very unkind way to begin the conversation.  By 7:00, I was terrified that he had read this.  I was terrified that I had broken us.  Which is a very informative response.  Because, maybe, some of that was because I didn't want it to happen that way, and some of it because I wanted to be in control, but a significant part of my fear was fear of losing him.  So, apparently, I am afraid of losing him.  That is rather an important thing to know.

So my goal is to find a way back to my life, the one where I watch my weight and save money and play a lot of XBox and have a boyfriend and dance all the time and not worry so damn much.

With fire.

Un-drafted the previous post.  I had thoughts.  I may regret them, or at least un-think them, but I thought them once so they stay up.

I have since had other thoughts, thoughts like, wow I went quickly from "something isn't perfect" to "kill it with fire."  Thoughts like, maybe I should calm down, stop seeing Doom everywhere, and text him about my day like I want to.  Because I do want to.  Thoughts like, maybe he should be part of a decision making process.  

So, I am calming down.  I am reminding myself that all-or-nothing reasoning is a logical fallacy.  I am not freaking out.  I am going to continue to examine my feelings and ask for what I need, including space, and I am not going to turn away a good thing because I see Doom everywhere.

The other question.

I don't know.  I don't know.  I had a post full of questions and I re-set it to draft, because I am afraid to even ask the questions.  Which is partly because I don't like the questions, they are hard and make me sad, and partly because I never did answer the question about this space, and appropriate ways to use it.

I am sad, and I want him to make it better.  Because he does that.  I breathe him in and feel better.