Monday, October 12, 2009


I'm sad. Not particularly right now, it's covered up, but I can feel it. As soon as my surface emotion fades, as soon as I am not thinking about anything in particular, underneath is sad. It doesn't come from anything, it isn't directed at anything, it just sits like fog in my belly. It feels like I'm off my meds.

I have a couple possible explanations:

1. I may very well be off my meds. I am sure I took them this morning, and I am 95% sure I took them yesterday. But the day before? And the day before that? I am not so sure. It is entirely possible that I have forgotten them nearly every day for the last week, maybe two. There aren't any immediate and debilitating side effects of forgetting, like there were with the Effexor, so I don't always notice.

2. I started Depo Provera about a week ago. It changes my hormones, which is good for not getting knocked up, but changes in hormones sometimes result in changes in mood. Perhaps I now need a different dose to account for the differences in chemistry.

3. This feels like "off medication" sad, as opposed to "my life is sad." It's there when I wake up, it's there as soon as people leave the room, and I have no idea what is wrong or how to fix it. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is how I'm supposed to feel. Maybe I just need to talk it out, work it out.

Theory 1 is easy to prove. I know I took them today. I will make sure to take them tomorrow, and the next day, and if I start to feel anxious and paranoid then I'll know that I'm introducing meds into my system as opposed to continuing them. This is what I'm hoping for. I'm hoping I just messed up which means I know how to fix it.

If that doesn't work, I talk to my shrink about theory 2 and 3. I have an appointment on the 29th.

In the meanwhile, well, you may see a good deal of moping before this is over.

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