Back at it—again—more words about whether or not I am breaking up with Cassidy:
Cassidy has been thinking Big Serious Thinks. He will be staying home this weekend for the purpose of working on said thinks. They are not thinks about me, per se, but thinks that involve me because our relationship is affected by other factors in his life.
I like my life. The things I want to change are more like redecorating decisions. I want to improve my mental/emotional issues. I want to engage better with my art. And I want a romantic relationship, the kind that looks like a marriage, whether or not it actually is one. I want someone to go out with sometimes and come home to sometimes.
If I want to repaint the kitchen, Cassidy wants to tear out the foundation. Cassidy wants to live near his daughter. He wants to stop feeling like an absentee father, in deed if not in spirit. He wants a job that uses his brain. He wants to figure out what he's going to do when he grows up. He wants to make Big Serious Changes to his life. And so he has big thinks to do, not to determine what he wants, but to determine what he can do to achieve them.
We are in each others way. Because what he wants from life conflicts with what I want in a relationship. And we can keep dating until one of us forces the issue, and we can say, "I'm not going to get in your way, I support your dreams and desires," but I think that's a bit of a lie. Because my helping him figure out how to go back to college while paying child support is also helping him end our relationship, and no matter how much I say I want to help, I don't want to help. It puts us in a situation where helping him goes directly against my own self-interest.
And I wonder if maybe the lack of endearments, the sad tally I was taking, maybe it wasn't all in my head. Maybe he was, unconsciously, pulling away from someone he was trying to leave. Or maybe it's because I'm constantly running the relationship analysis, wondering if my affection for him outweighs my disappointment in the situation. And who wants to date someone who is constantly deciding if he is worth dating? Just because I always end up at the same answer doesn't make me a great girlfriend.
I think about what we look like when we're broken up, and yes, I am jealous. Because he might not be looking for a new girlfriend, not while he's upending his life, but he might not be celibate, either. And the thought of that hurts. But I think that, despite the jealousy, we could be friends. Real friends, not just exes going through the motions so that we can feel mature. The reasons I keep trying to stay with him, despite all this, are all reasons why I would want to be his friend. (Well, most of the reasons, anyway. I don't think that sexyfriends are a good idea, so there's at least one reason I'll have to go without.)
I am surprisingly not-sad. I will be, I know. And I haven't said any of this to him yet. He will call tonight, and maybe the conversation will surprise me. But I think I'm right, and I think he knows it, too.