Friday, December 11, 2009

Job title and description

If the deal had always been that I have this guy I like who I see every once and a while, almost like a long-distance boyfriend but the distance is his busy schedule rather than miles, I think I would be fine with it. I was willing to do something like that with Other Mike. If I didn't expect to see Satanist Dan on a weekly basis, because I knew I couldn't, would I mind? Is the problem here that he's got the wrong job title and if I just re-name who he is and what this is, I'll be happy?

But if this had been the situation from the beginning, I think I would feel very differently about him. I wouldn't have had the chance to develop an emotional attachment. I might think, wistfully, what if I could see him more, I bet we'd be great together, but it's a very different kind of wish.

There seem to be three possible outcomes. The first, and best, would be Satanist Dan acquiring more free time (and spending some of it with me). But that isn't under my control, and if it isn't an option, there are two other outcomes. I can have a boy I chat with sometimes, and might see once or twice in the next few months, or I can have an ex-boyfriend. And I keep thinking that something is better than nothing, but I'm not sure that's true. I'm not sure I can go back to thinking of him as an occasional fling. And if I can't think of him that way I don't think I can be happy treating him that way.

I know that I need to ask him. I need to know if this situation will change. If it's a matter of waiting, I can manage. Not patiently, but I'd get through it. If it isn't a matter of waiting, if this is How Things Are Now, then I should probably leave. And I don't want to leave. So I'm afraid to ask him about it because I'm afraid it's going to mean breaking up.

But I think I've reached the tipping point. I am starting to think, should I text him now with a message saying Call me when you get this or should I wait until tomorrow morning when he will likely be home with his kids? Having a conversation during a break at work is less than ideal. But I worry that if I wait I'll lose my nerve.

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