Sad tonight.

Noticing the way people say names as if they meant something, as if there are stories and histories and funny anecdotes and shared experiences, the way friends do.  And then they mention something I did too, I was there, and I feel like it should be a shared experience, like I'm part of it, too, except that I totally failed to have the experience, I watched everyone have the experience but I didn't do it right or wasn't right or something.  It was like jump rope: if I can be there when the rope starts I can do it fine, but I never learned how to time it so I could jump in when the rope was already going, y'know?  Except I didn't really care about jumping rope, but I care about this and I still feel like I failed and now I keep seeing reminders and feeling lonely and lost all over again.