I spent a good deal of time yesterday feeling anxious and insecure. I feel wobbly, I worry. I wobble with worry.
In my head, I am always either an ogre or a siren. The minute I believe that I might be desirable, I worry that I will harm anyone who desires me. I am emotionally capricious. I will lure you in, change my mind mid-lure, and dash you to the rocks.
I have reasons for this, of course. There is always something I can call a reason to feel the way I do. But the reasons, when actually written down, are pitifully inadequate:
1. MT: This is the real reason. He loved me, he followed me, and I left him. The reason I second guess myself. I either loved him and stopped, or I didn't "really" love him. And that terrifies me. Except that I am not sure if there is some "real" love that is different from "not real" love. So I loved him. And then I began to not love him. Over the course of six years. This is something that happens. Feelings that change over six years are not evidence of capriciousness. And yet, I am the bad guy in the story. I broke his heart. And I'm not over it.
2. Boy 1 and H--: I wildly enjoyed their company for a little while, then got bored or annoyed and left. Within the space of a few weeks (the former) or a month or two (the latter). On the other hand, Satanist Dan, D--, Voldemort, and Flicka all got tired of me first. Again, that's what happens. We try a new person, we see how they fit, if it doesn't work we move on.
3. Misc. other OK Cupid people I never even met, but chatted excitedly for a few days and then broke it off. Seriously? I worry about THAT?
That's it. That's the sum total of reasons that I can even pretend are rational, and it's obvious to anyone that they aren't rational.
Things might work out this time. They might not. And "not working out" might happen in a day or three months or six years, and that does not make me a bad person.